Through the eyes of a monster
by Teakany
Summary: A one shot from Als pov during his rocky relationship with Matt in "Until it's not". Rated M for verbal abuse, alcohol abuse, violence and language I don't own hetalia.


**okay! so, this is a one shot from the same story line as "Until it's not" from Als pov. I felt like I needed to write from his pov to show he's still in there. his actions are completely inexcusable! i never condone violence! but i thought i needed to show that he hadn't completely lost every bit of the Al from "everything is good" . I'm gonna be honest. I almost cried writing this.**

Alfred clung to the bottle of rye. He was sitting on the floor leaning against the couch, one knee drawn up to his chest. What the hell was he doing with his life? It felt like he was in a downward spiral.

He heard footsteps quietly coming down the stairs. Tears pricked his eyes. He didn't want Mattie to see him like this again... He was pathetic.. An embarrassment... Mattie deserved so much better... He knew this. He knew this and he KEPT FUCKING UP. The bottle dropped as his hands went to his hair. Why did Matt have to be so god damned perfect?! He didn't leave, he tried to understand, Matt goddamned comforted Al after he left bruises all over him! What kind of sick monster would ever hurt someone that sweet?! He thought of the fresh bruises that must be forming on the pale skin from earlier and he gave a sob. What was he...

Matt was in the living room. A quiet voice in the dimly lit room."Al, are you okay?"

_'No I'm not please don't ask... '_

"W-why don't you let me help you up to bed?" his voice was soft, full of kindness with a tinge of fear.

Rage bubbled under Als skin. Why did Matt have to worry about him?! He should just forget he's down here. Anger at himself, resentment towards Matts sympathy, frustration at not being able to get everything out... It built until he felt it on his lips.

_'No don't '_

"Just leave me the fuck alone already!" he snapped

He could hear Matt jump. "Al... You're going to hurt your back if you sleep down there.. Please..."

'_Please no. Don't... He doesn't deserve it please stop talking_ '

"JUST FUCK OFF!" he screamed picking up a half empty glass of the table and throwing it in Matts direction,

Matt screamed as the glass shattered beside him. Als hands clawed at his hair, pulling some out.

_'Please just give up Mattie... Go to bed please... Don't come near me please...I don't want to hurt you '_

Matts voice hitched. "Al... I-i just..."

_'Please please please please leave...' _he silently begged clenching his jaw so hard he thought his teeth would break.

a tiny shaking sigh " I love you Al" his voice hitched and Matt walked back to the stairs.

He was almost at them before the smaller blonde started sobbing. Als heart was in pieces... He didn't deserve to be breathing...

Al picked up the half spilled bottle and up ended it in his mouth. Maybe he'd just choke on his vomit and die... Then he couldn't hurt Mattie anymore... The bottle was drained.. His head swam."I love you too Mattie..." He fell asleep with tears welling in his eyes.

* * *

When Al woke up the next morning there was a pillow under his head and a blanket covering him. The mess he'd left on the floor, including the broken glass, was cleaned up. His head spun wildly as he sat up. He looked at the chair on the other side of the room. Mattie was there.. Passed out cold in a little ball, in his hands was the small white bear Al had won him a few years back.

He had come back down to watch over Al... Als head fell into his hands. tears started to fill his eyes

_'no no.. please.. don't remember... please.. just black it out..' _he squeezed his eyes closed as tight as he could.

But his mind was not so kind. all the awful things he said and done... They all rushed in. Al broke. A sob ripped from his chest. he tried to quiet it by plastering his hand over his mouth.

_ 'shutupshutupshutup '_

He didn't want to wake Matt... But it was too late.

Matt raced to his side slipping his arms easily around Als shoulders and holding him. Al leaned into his husband eyes trying to avoid the finger shaped bruises on Matts arms. "I'm... I'm s-sorry M-ma-mattie... pl-please d-don't hate m-me... You sh-should, but please..."

Matt cut him off "No Al... I don't hate you!" he squeezed tighter " Don't say that. I could never hate you. I love you baby"

This made Al sob harder. He clung to Matts sleeve. "I don't want to be like this Mattie..."

"I know.. I know it's okay..."

Al wanted to, he should have, yelled that no it wasn't okay. But he just fell into Matts arms and cried. Promising he wasn't going to do it again... Knowing that it was only a matter of time..


End file.
